Looking back at those years of complete pain and brokenness, I am grateful.
I am grateful for who I became and all that I learned. Out of all that hurt came a beautiful baby boy, an amazing small business, a stronger relationship with my husband, and a true understanding of who God is. Remember when I said there was nothing that God could do that could make up for taking Aria? He did. The best thing He did was show me who He is, how much He loves me, and how I should build my identity in Him.
I can talk about losing Aria without crying- that took forever! & I feel ready to help my son celebrate the good times in life, but also know that the bad times don't last forever. My husband and I know that our marriage is a true gift from God- we went through something so tragic at such a young age and so early into our marriage and we got through it.
Now for the funny part... on June 7 of this year, one day before my son turned one year old (& I turned a year older - since we share the same birthday), I woke up feeling funny. I had been having some hormonal issues, but I thought they were a result of my body resetting after weaning my son from breastfeeding. I asked Dr. Google what it could be and he just kept telling me "pregnant." Obviously he didn't know me because that wasn't possible. I can't get pregnant on my own. Besides, we weren't even trying. I was going to call a more reliable source (my doctor) since she would know what was wrong, but my curiosity got the best of me. I had one pregnancy test stashed in the closet, so I took it just for fun. I left it on the counter without looking at it and went to go make breakfast. I half forgot about it. Ten minutes later, I came back to throw it away and when I glanced down..... PREGNANT was all I saw. What?!? How?!? Is this some kind of a joke?!?
I told my half asleep husband, and all we did was laugh. What else could we do... our journey was full of surprises and honestly, most of the surprises really sucked. But this surprise... THIS was God showing off. THIS was God saying that He can and will do more than we could ever hope for - when we least expect it. This miracle speaks so much more about who God is rather than who I am... this is one of my biggest takeaways. Oh if my 24 year old self knew what would happen in a few years...
My pregnancy so far has been so beautiful. I don't worry at all about the health of our baby. I thank God every day for His faithfulness and I just live in gratitude. I've taken maybe two pregnancy pictures so far LOL and instead of focusing on making sure everything is okay with my baby, I know that everything will be fine. What is everything? I don't know, but it will be fine.
Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.